Break the Walls Down

Walls01

And you got nowhere else to go
And you’re lost within your own home
And you’re trying so hard to win
You keep trying its embarrassing
And how you don’t even know
But you know you’re off the tracks
And how did you get in here
Thinking how did I get in here

I’ll help you break the walls down
I’ll help you break the walls down
And bust you out and take you home
Believe in me you are not alone
I’ll help you break the walls down

-The Rocket Summer, Walls

Brick by brick. Stone by stone.

With each broken promise, with every dream never realised, with each empty word falling flat, the walls were built.

With each slanderous word, with each whisper of gossip, with each backstabbing thought, the walls were built.

With each painful glance at the mirror, with each damaging thought, with each murmur of self-doubt, the walls were built.

With each break up, with each broken friendship, with each moment of abuse, the walls were built.

Brick by brick. Stone by stone.

The walls went up. and up. and up.

-mp. 2013

Your walls look different than mine. Mine may be brick, with graffiti and big windows. Yours may be concrete, scratched by years of pain or maybe wood, damaged by the rain of tears.

Walls are dangerous. While healthy boundaries force you to look up and keep you protected, walls keep you hidden, closed off and unable to grow.

A lot of the time our walls are invisible to us. The walls we have built are for protection against more pain (in whatever form). They keep the abuser at bay, they keep the potential of heartbreak from existing, they hold the world away.

These walls are usually not visible to others, in fact, often over compensation leads those around you to believe you are just fine. We act out in order to preserve our dignity; over compensate to hide the pain.

Admittedly I have built walls more than once in my life. Self-preservation yielded the need to hide, to run away, to close off so that as not to allow someone else to tell me that I wasn’t good enough…

I stopped writing, stopped singing, stopped being me because “me” wasn’t good enough.

Most recently I built up walls around my heart. My mom told me I am stand offish. I’m not even sure that’s a real word but apparently whenever she sees someone show interest I turn into stone.

What I thought was healed was merely mended. Although no longer in pain the next step, the one that would allow me to move on was to break down the walls.

For the former, breaking down the walls meant getting up in front of a whole lot of my friends who had never heard me sing and just belt it out at a friend’s wedding in France. It was there that I found the courage to break the walls down and believe that I was enough.

Now, for me, it’s vulnerability of the heart. In this case, when it comes to my heart, it means letting someone in again. It means even simply allowing myself to be myself with another person, to let him see me, to know me, to consider the possibility of more. It’s often a prayer, a cry out to God, going…protect me Lord, because I’m trying here…

The thing with walls is, that even if they were built because of something done to us, we choose to be victims and build the walls. Walls are built because we do not feel that we are enough. We may not feel that we can overcome the pain, the abuse, the heartache…whatever the case may be (and to varying degrees these things are not easy and may require, in some cases, professional assistance*), but they do take a first step of believing that we are good enough for a complete and fulfilled and whole life.

Understanding your value and knowing you are completely worthy of being whole is not easy. It requires acceptance of flaws, understanding that no one is perfect, and most importantly, I believe, the knowledge that you were created with a plan in mind. Intricately, fearfully and wonderfully made by God. Knowing that the King of Kings loves you and planned your very existence can help break those walls down.

He wants you to be whole, to live a full life, in relationship with Him and in healthy relationship with others.

go on, let Him break your walls down.


side note: if you or someone you know needs professional help please contact your local church or medical professional, or talk to a friend. We’re not in this life alone. x

wounded

“You’re going to go through a season of healing. You have wounds that need tending to”

Great, I thought to myself, hadn’t I just spent the last 6 months healing. Hadn’t I experienced enough random moments where I broke down crying? Hadn’t I had enough days where getting up was hard enough, let alone functioning? Wasn’t I whole? Wasn’t this past year hard enough?

My friend, even thousands of miles away and over Skype, could tell that this scared me. She looked at me through her computer screen and told me that I would be okay, that in order to move to the next season in my life, to do all that I was meant to do, I would need to go through this season…sure it would be tough, but it was necessary.

Sometimes we have physical wounds and sometimes they’re emotional or psychological. When we have a physical wound it is evident to those around us. We can see it disappear as it heals, the scab growing across it and eventually disappearing. Wounds that are inside, psychological and emotional, often take longer to heal or even worse, completely ignored because we don’t take the time to stop and see where we are at. Or, sometimes we don’t deal with the wounds because it hurts to much to deal with them completely.

Sy Rogers once spoke to our leadership team in London about bringing up wounds of the past. He warned us against digging up wounds from the past at the wrong time, instead to let them come out when they’re meant to.

On Saturday night, a very wise friend of mine said that it might be scary to deal with your wounds, but the Lord will love you, fight for you and protect you no matter what because He would never put you through something you could not handle.

The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain in rest. 

Here in Stockholm I rest a lot more than I did in London. This probably has to do with the fact that although I’m in school and running my own business I still have heaps of time…and in that rest I’m letting the Lord fight for me. I know that in Him my wounds will be healed, so that I may be whole to do all He wants for my life. It could be scary and it might hurt a bit, but I know it’s for the best.

Can I encourage you to let your wounds heal. Talk to a friend, a counsellor, a pastor. Get the right care. Journal, take time out to be with yourself. I pray that in all of this you will find wholeness in Him.