A Hidden Year

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2017 saw a girl fall from grace. She hid for a year because she felt ashamed to be herself.

2017 began with a girl who didn’t recognise herself. She had made life-altering decisions in order to get better, to heal. She did something she never thought you she would do so that she could ensure she even had a future.

Despite the initial confidence in her decision she immediately regretted it.

That girl is I.

I spent 2017 feeling like I’d failed.

I felt like I would never be me again.

I felt like I made mistakes that I could never come back from.

I felt like I did something wrong and I was being punished.

I came back to Canada to heal.

I couldn’t even say I went home.

Instead of working in my field, I took a part-time job as a barista.

I thought people saw me as a failure.

I’ve cried so many tears.

I’ve seen darkness.

I’ve felt anxiety; I’ve fought against it.

I never lost my faith, but I sure got angry. And yet I still persisted because it was only my faith that kept me going.

I’ve learned that I can’t manipulate God. And why would I want to?

I’m healing.

I’m learning that healing is a long journey and rushing it only opens wounds over and over again.
I’m learning that despite my not understanding my future; my purpose remains and God can use me no matter how I feel.

And somewhere, somehow I’m getting better and I can feel the end of this season even though I can’t see it.

I’m dreaming again and looking at what job will make me happy, fulfil my purpose and use my talents. (spoiler alert: I got one)

Instead of asking myself what the world expects, I ask myself “what do you want your life to look like?”

We build up what we believe we should be. We make up expectations of others that they haven’t even put on us. We hide because we can’t live up to them.

Even though I couldn’t see my value…my family love me and my friends tell me I’ve inspired them.

I’m relearning my true value and fighting to protect that. I’m sticking up for myself.

And finally, I’m learning to not hide the not-so-beautiful moments.

Welcome back to the light.

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