When Calling Surpasses Comfort

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As of Wednesday, November 30th I will no longer have a permanent residence (for now).

This is the girl who has planned every step of her life as long as she can remember. It may not seem like it to some, but my steps are generally well thought out, prayerfully considered and concrete. While most people move to a new country and then look for housing, I get an apartment even before I am there. So, when the opportunity for change seemed to appear I was headed in one direction, quickly! However, that took a turn and now things are changing and I am headed back to North America…not my plan.

Planning is in my blood. It is what balances my creative, erratic and romantic side. I will always remember a former boss telling me “Michelle, sometimes you let the artist overtake the entrepreneur.” Although he didn’t say it quite as eloquently, or even as nicely, I understood this to be what he meant. My logical brain never leads me too far where my creative nature wants to fling me.

However, as I sit in a cafe in Söder, I am taking time away from my client to write this. I am not going to tell you what to do or how to live your life. I am only going to share how God has worked on my heart and allowed me to be taken on what I am so confidently branding #mybiggrandadventure.

It started years ago already. Admittedly Sweden was never in my plans. I thought I would set up residence in London and there I would stay. Of course, knowing the playful relationship I have with God anytime I say “never or always” my life is sideswiped. So, in 2012 I packed my life up, left the first place I really felt completely me and moved to the land of simple beauty. Sweden has been amazing and very difficult at once. I understand now the journey God has taken me on and I am sure I will talk more about that in subsequent blogs and articles. For now I only want to focus on how He has taught me of his grace, mercy and undying love for me (and for you). How He has taken my broken heart, mended it, only to break it over and over again, only this time for His purposes. How, through the blessings and triumphs, low moments and pain, He has, like a potter, sculpted me. Oh boy, I am so far from perfect and my journey nowhere close to finished, but I am so thankful for His fatherly love and gentle discipline.

The foundation laid for me in London was strong and while I didn’t always understand then what He was teaching me through greater leadership, friendship and serving, those experiences have now allowed me to take the next step. And so, with that I am learning…

  1. The freedom of resting in His plans. When I have, in the past, tried to make things work for myself I have only landed in what can be said is a mess. It may not always be a big mess, but it definitely wasn’t where I was intended. This time, as I step out, leaving my home and starting anew, although I am filled with sadness for all the good I am leaving behind, I can only be excited for what is to come. For, as many have said, the safest place to be is in the will of God. No longer do I worry about how anything will plan out because, dang what He has already shown me is far greater than I could have ever planned.
  2. That it’s okay to be sad and happy all at once. I have the greatest mix of emotions right now. Literally holding back tears as I write this. I am so utterly, insanely thankful for the people I have in my life. I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am for my life up until now and the people are a huge part of it. I can only be excited about those I am about to meet and what God will do with the friendships we build. How freaking exciting is that!!? And knowing that distance, as I have more than once stated, is only a physical thing. As I experienced this week back in LDN, those who God places in your heart will never go away. It doesn’t matter really if we are next door or across the world, love really never dies. So, while I am sad I am leaving the day to day lives of some, while others who were only a quick plane ride away are (for now) separated by an ocean, there are many more new hugs to be had, coffees to drink and plans to conquer.
  3. That grief is a very real thing and does not come only with losing someone. Only about 8 weeks ago I was walking to a team night with my friend Marie when something struck me. I turned to her and said “I don’t know if living in Europe is still a God thing or if it has turned into a me-thing.” You guys, let’s be honest. I am so much more European than North American. I cried yesterday, panic attack, when I had to talk about mobile phone plans across the Atlantic. Darn, they’re not even called mobiles there. I have such a strong heart for what God is doing over here in Europe and that has not changed. So, in the midst of transporting myself across the world, all that I had felt called to, is changing and I am grieving that. I haven’t lost that heart for Europe, it’s simply a new season and one that I know is of God. (side note: I know this because of many prayerful conversations, God moments and just the simplicity of how this is all working out).  And so, I have to grieve what has been, for a new season of what will be. I also have to grieve my safety net. As I said, I am used to having my ducks in a row (at least when it comes to structure). I am going to a lot of unknowns and that is okay. But, for those of you who haven’t lived closely to me over the last 12 years, this is HUGE FOR ME and SO SCARY. I may seem like I flint and fly all over, but in fact calculated risk is my thing. So, here I am learning to grieve really my old self and truly die to what God has in store.
  4. And finally, not everyone is going to understand and that is okay. Truth be told I am pretty confident some people, many people will be a bit confused as I move into this next season. It’s okay. I am too. But, that’s okay because I don’t always understand your choices, their choices. What I do know is that although in the past I really cared about what others thought of my choices, that has since changed. I understand now that if you care that much about my choices and are in a close relationship with me, you can just ask. I am happy to talk about my reasoning and why I am doing something, but if someone is not going to ask, then I let them assume all they want. It’s not worth worrying about me if you don’t care to ask. Please know that this is the most freeing revelation you can have, if, like me, you tend to be a bit of a people pleaser. The only person I am accountable to, other than myself, and more importantly is God. He called us to love Him and to love others. So, in all I do, I prayerfully consider my actions in light of that. Is this God and will it harm or hurt others? Of course I assume that most of the time if it’s God then it won’t harm others!

So…as I step into this next (super exciting and scary season) I am only seeking the steps God has for me. I am moving and taking decisions in rest, not in striving. Although it is not always comfortable (thank you to my mom and my circle of trust for putting up with a lot of crying), it is what I feel is my next step. I am grateful for you all who read my blog and follow along with me on this journey we call life.

In less somber  news I have a few exciting projects coming up so please follow me on Snapchat: meegsx, on Insta: michelletiffanycandice for updates. I will also have my Swedish number on whatsapp and a new number otherwise. You can message me anywhere for that 🙂

Until then, I hope that my revelations will help you a bit.

with love (and until California)

Michelle

Dear Future Hubster.

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Dear Future hubster

Here’s the thing. I’m pretty sure you’re out there. Somewhere. Hiding behind a rock? Busy saving the world’s children in a feat of selflessness and honour? No? Yes? Maybe you’re just learning a lot about yourself and haven’t quite figured out that I’m the girl for you.

It’s okay.

I’m cool over here. I’m waiting. Not always patiently, but most of the time. True, I probably hop onto a dating app or two, but not for long, ask R, I’m off within 20 minutes because it’s just not you. And yeah, maybe I’ve dated a couple of guys, and they’ve been great, but all they’ve done so far is point me to the man that I really want. They’ve each done the honour of showing me the kind of man you will be. Piece by piece. And I’m grateful for that.

And truth be told, I’m grateful for the women in your life. Maybe you’re with someone right now. I pray for her, that she holds your heart with honour and prays for her future husband like I pray for you. I hope she teaches you things about yourself that bring you closer to me. I hope that you treat her like the woman of God she is. Who knows, we may have daughters one day and we both know they’re likely not going to marry the first man they date so let’s show them how to honour their future spouses.

So, you’re sitting there right now, maybe you’re having coffee. Maybe you just got off work or home from an evening with friends. But I hope that once in awhile you think of me. I wonder about you. Will you like adventure? Because I do. Discovering new cities and towns and forests are all exciting to me. Sometimes  I like camping and other times a nice 5 star hotel will be awesome too. Will you go on long walks through our city and near forests? Will you daydream with me as you walk beside me along life’s paths?

And then, will we go dancing? Okay so we don’t have to dance all the time, but your future wife loves to dress up in beautiful clothes and run around the town. She may have dreamed of romantic evenings on the Eiffel Tower (don’t worry, you can ask her friends for all those details because they’ve planned every minute). Will you stand next to me and tell me I’m beautiful even when it’s been a long week and we’re both exhausted but off on date night because, well those will always be important?

Sometimes I wonder what you’re like in church. Do you hold your hands up high in surrender or quietly connect to our Saviour? Are you the kind of strong silent type who will gently nudge me when my thoughts need adjusting? Will you get up early with me to work out and find my peace before our days start or will I have to spend mornings tiptoeing around because you need just five minutes more? I wonder what song you listen to when you need encouragement or find peace? Do you pray out loud or stare into the sky and silently chat?

So I sit here and wonder. Excited about that moment I know you’re mine. Pensive as I wonder how we will fight, how we will handle those tough moments. I hope that I am doing the things that are preparing me to be your wife. Sometimes, when I wake up in the night I pray that He shows me how to be best for you.

And I hope we can be silly. I hope we dance in the kitchen to 80s rock and sneak kisses in public (because i’m not so much about overt displays of affection). I hope we find ways of surprising each other. Ways that only we know about because we have taken the time to get to know each other, our contradictions, our faults, our weird habits and the best parts of each of us.

But for now. I will keep wondering and hoping and praying. And looking forward to the day that you go, “hey babe, it’s me”.

Ready or Not, here I go…

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photo: ivanka.trump.com

“When you talk about going back to Toronto, you light up, and that you can’t fake”

Dang. You have to appreciate honesty eh?

And the thing is, that even though I don’t have every step planned out, I am genuinely excited.

Like the quote says, most of the time I am not quite ready, but I go anyway. If I was always waiting until I am ready I would never move…

And because of that I took a moment to meditate on what I am excited about in this move.

I am looking forward to discovering a new city. I’ve never actually lived there and learning about the places that will make me feel at home; the cafes, the bookshops, the running paths, my favorite cinema…what will my Saturdays look like?

I can’t wait to meet “my people”. I know that I have an existing community in the city and I have the most incredible community spread all over the world. It can be scary moving to a new place when I have been so blessed with truly the most incredible “family “all over who have challenged me, encouraged me for so long. So meeting my new people is one I look forward to. What will they do? How will we meet?

Experiencing re-connection. I have had the privilege of meeting many people who have touched my life. Some for a few years, others more than a decade. Living near so many that were an important part of my uni years is actually really cool. Though we have grown up and went our ways I look forward to having time to reconnect.

The adventures of road trips! This may be a silly one, but I love driving and discovering new cities. I already have plans for Maine and Rhode Island and maybe even the entire East Coast of Canada.

But even though I am excited and looking forward to a lot, the honest truth is that I have never been so sad and so excited all at once. Sad because I am leaving the known, the familiar and in every season there remains an aspect of the unknown.

Will I fit in? Will my time away have changed me too much? Will the community I long for be there?

The thing is, even 12 years ago, prior to moving to London I asked myself the same questions and I have had the most incredible life so far. God provided me with more than I ever expected…so it got me thinking about choices.

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via GIPHY

We were created with free will. We choose to love God. We make decisions daily about our life, big and small.

But…

We were also created to be in relationship with Christ.

So…

I believe when we are in relationship with Christ and truly spending time in conversation, in His word, then our choices will be in line with His best for us.

And so logically, all the what if’s and maybe’s aren’t so scary.

I always go back to the verse that I read the day I made the decision to move to London.

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have searched me [thoroughly] and have known me.

You know when I sit down and when I rise up [my entire life, everything I do];
You understand my thought from afar.

You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And You are intimately acquainted with all my ways.

Even before there is a word on my tongue [still unspoken],
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
 
You have enclosed me behind and before,
And [You have] placed Your hand upon me.

Such [infinite] knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high [above me], I cannot reach it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol (the nether world, the place of the dead), behold, You are there.

If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,

Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will take hold of me.

He has never failed me. He has always brought me from Strength to Strength. So, I step out, not quite ready, a bit trepidatious, excited…

What will the next season look like!?