I thought about writing this when I had gotten the job, but then it made me think…
How many blogs, articles and books have been written once we have gotten whatever it is that we wanted?
How many times have you heard from your now loved-up, engaged or married friend that “oh, it was worth the wait” or “God totally had it under control”?
I am not saying that all of their good advice, consoling remarks or loving comments aren’t valid or true, but this time I am going to give thanks in the in between.
So here goes…but first, a side note (I do love side notes)
The funny thing about social media is that it isn’t reality. Or at the very least it isn’t the entire truth.
I choose to put online what I feel is most appropriate for the message I want to get across. My message affects my brand. As someone who does this for a living, I carefully cultivate what goes up or even sometimes comes down. I don’t believe in a personal and professional brand. I am me and I have guidelines about what I post. Nothing I have is private (except FB) and my audience includes everyone from friends, family, professional relationships and people who follow me because of my writing. I am constantly trying to keep a level of integrity in what I post, remembering that it might be my 13-year-old cousin or her friends seeing what I post or a future boss or client. Ultimately, I say this all, in this post because the last few weeks or months have looked a bit like a dream. And, I hope they did…because even in the darkest times I want my life, even on social media, to reflect the faith that I have and the thankful attitude I try my best to live with.
Back in April I was laid off. This is the kind of thing that happens when working at a start up, the risk you take.
Although I immediately felt saved (due to the difficult circumstances of my working environment) I was still laid off. Let me tell you. People can say you’re the best and that you’ve done an incredible job and you can even KNOW that this is true, and yet being laid off feels awful.
It feels like you’re being broken up with. You immediately want to go back through the past months figuring out what went wrong, where you could have saved yourself, knowing full well that it wouldn’t have mattered. I love what I do and also really function on the “having a lot to do makes me more productive” kind of level, therefore this wasn’t exactly a great thing for me. I have rarely ever been unemployed more than a few weeks, at most. Now, like the end of a relationship, I was faced with beginning again.
You know that moment when someone has told you that they no longer love you? That sinking feeling where all of the plans you have made in your head and heart, where all the expectations vanish faster than you ever dreamt them up?
All of this. All the time.
Except that this time it was different.
I felt all of this. All of the rejection. All the hurt and confusion.
But this time…this time instead of trying to fix it all, I just stopped. I stopped and handed it over to God.
Back in October, at Hillsong Conference, as I wept during this song…
And I will call upon Your name…And keep my eyes above the waves…When oceans rise…My soul will rest in Your embrace…For I am Yours and You are mine (Oceans, Hillsong)
…A gentle hand told me that God will always be my stronghold.
This time, when waves came crashing over me, I just stopped and let Him actually be my stronghold, my anchor.
Now, I am still in my ocean. Not only with work, in relationships, still single, still looking for my place in this world, but when it comes to work (my current highest need), even in my ocean, I see the light, I feel Jesus standing on the water, urging me to step out.
I have felt peace and I am rested.
I brought up social media because my Instagram account reads like a princess in a fairytale. Paris, London, Toronto, sun, friends…
It doesn’t show the days of sitting on my couch hunting and applying for the next role, or prepping for interviews on my holiday. It doesn’t show how even though I am at peace, God is using this time to heal me, to make me whole. It doesn’t show the tears and the frustrations.
What my Instagram account actually shows; what it demonstrates is His unfailing love, peace, provision and hope.
It shows that He gives me rest when I need it. He brings people to refresh me. He uses me to help others, even if I feel like I can’t help anyone.
When I sang… Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters. Wherever You would call me, Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. And my faith will be made stronger. In the presence of my Savior…deep down I admit it was still “lead me where I think you’re going to probably lead me, in my time”…
Well, my timing wasn’t right and I am still looking for a job and I know the timing and role will be perfect. But I can say this…
Even in the meantime…in the “and you will” *** stage of this season I have only ever felt His beautiful, unwavering peace.
***Keep on asking and it will be given you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep on knocking [reverently] and [the door] will be opened to you. Matt 7:7
When we know that our hope is in the one who is above all else, when our eyes truly stay fixed on an unmoving mark, the one who is never changing (Hebrews 13:8), and it takes a lot of practice (!!!!!), then that peace never leaves.
Why waste any energy on worrying? Stressing? Anxiety?
Sure, I want this season to end, but I love being in the right now. And I wasn’t always like this….
Thank God He has always had patience with me to get me here.