When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.
There’s a point where you just need to let go. A very wise person told me that one day you’ll look back and see how far you have come but there may always be moments where you feel so broken…and that is okay. I had felt broken lately. It’s probably the moving to a new place, new language, new friends, new church etc…etc…but part of it, I know that this is a season of healing that is taking place…
I wrote an email a few months ago which I never sent and I will never send. This email allowed me to say everything I wanted to say, everything that needed to be said but that I was never given the chance to do. With no filter I wrote and wrote and wrote until I had forgiven…and a few days ago it was time to write another email.
This time I wrote the email to me…and I want to share a bit here…
But most of all…
I forgive me. I forgive me for blaming myself for falling in love. I forgive me for not showing wisdom in the situation and not listening to the Holy Spirit when I knew there was something wrong. I forgive me for every second that I blamed myself for the end and for not being good enough. I forgive the nights that I looked at myself and hated myself for not being everything you needed. I can’t be. I’m not. I could only love like I knew how and to the best of my ability. I forgive myself for thinking that because you didn’t talk to me it meant that I had done something wrong. I forgive myself for all the thoughts I had in anger, in regret, in disappointment, in fear.
I forgive myself for the energy I spent wanting you back the way things were, for now I see that in fact, the way things were was great but wasn’t completely you. I forgive myself for the times I didn’t explain to you that I was upset not at you but at me. I forgive myself for hating my body, my emotions, my entire being. I forgive myself for the fact that I didn’t love myself enough to tell you how I really felt or love myself enough to understand that just because you didn’t want me enough to fight that i’m still MORE than enough. I forgive myself for telling myself I could not cry. I forgive myself for all the years of not trusting people. I forgive myself for hating who I am in moments where I felt tired, or sick or anxious.
I forgive me.
Unforgiveness can destroy a person. I think we often forget “us” in the equation. I have had to forgive a lot of people in my life and I have definitely had to be forgiven way too many times to count, but what I have realised most recently is that there are things in life that I had to forgive myself for. There were moments, thoughts and actions (or lack of action) that I needed to put in the past and say to me “It’s okay, you have moved on.”
This journey of healing is not easy but it’s so worth it.
Maybe you haven’t forgiven yourself for something you did in the past, or perhaps it wasn’t something you did but something that you thought. Maybe you hate your body and have told it lies. Maybe you didn’t think you had value…whatever it is…maybe it’s time to write yourself a letter or stand in front of the mirror and say “I forgive you.”
Remember there is no condemnation in Christ…whatever your past was, you are free from it. Let’s move forward together.
*no images used in this post are my own, I claim no ownership.