10 steps forward and eight back, letting God…

Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].  Romans 12:2

I sat down with my director yesterday and she asked me if I was okay. I had to look at her and admit, no, I have not been okay but what you see is a girl finally dealing with what is going on in her head and heart rather than pushing it aside. Truth be told, within 7 months I not only have had to grieve the death of a family member but also of my relationship. When dealing with loss of any kind you are going through stages of grief. And grief, I have learned again and again, is a process. Through this process I have learned a lot about myself, both healthy things and unhealthy and there is change needed.

Someone wise told me that when dealing with grief you will often take 10 steps forward, then eight steps back and you cannot get yourself down. Instead you have to remember that you are on a journey and as long as you are moving forward you’re going the right way.

I don’t know about you but I like resolution as much I like confrontation. This is to say, a lot. I want to deal with the situation and move on, in my time. I don’t want to stay hurt, sad, angry, confused, frustrated or in a state of not alright.

What I have learned most recently is that in fact, I cannot do this myself. I firmly believe that God uses every situation to teach us something about Him, show His love to us and ultimately enable us to use that to show His love, grace and mercy to others. However, if I do not take the time to fully heal, grieve and learn the lessons, allowing my character to grow and change, I will not be transformed. Equally, if I try to move on myself I will likely figuratively “push the dust under the carpet” and the same character flaws, issues and problems will arise again in the future.

We need to allow God to renew our minds and transform us into His image. With His grace we can be transformed without striving but in the comfort of His love and grace. This post is probably written more to me than anyone but let’s stop trying to fix ourselves and let the greatest healer do the work.

Love one another with brotherly affection [as members of one family], giving precedence and showing honor to one another. Never lag in zeal and in earnest endeavor; be aglow and burning with the Spirit, serving the Lord. Rejoice and exult in hope; be steadfast and patient in suffering and tribulation; be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of God’s people [sharing in the necessities of the saints]; pursue the practice of hospitality. Bless those who persecute you [who are cruel in their attitude toward you]; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice [sharing others’ joy], and weep with those who weep [sharing others’ grief]. Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty (snobbish, high-minded, exclusive), but readily adjust yourself to [people, things] and give yourselves to humble tasks. Never overestimate yourself or be wise in your own conceits. Repay no one evil for evil, but take thought for what is honest and proper and noble [aiming to be above reproach] in the sight of everyone. If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for [God’s] wrath; for it is written, Vengeance is Mine, I will repay (requite), says the Lord. But if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head.Do not let yourself be overcome by evil, but overcome (master) evil with good. Romans 12:10-21

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