Finding myself in the stillness

I know the timing isn’t great…But these things, you just can’t plan…I just need a little time…
So I can find myself again…

As I sat in Terminal 5 at Heathrow last Friday night, as much as I wanted to be annoyed that I would be flying out later, much later than expected, all I could think about was how blessed I was. Something I haven’t told many people is that about 2 years ago I was ready to leave it all. I had been in London for 3.5 years and it was not going how I imagined.

I felt alone, afraid of the future, frustated with the past and a bit like a failure because I couldn’t even tell any one how I really felt.

All I could do not to just give in was to cling to what I heard God saying. You see, looking back 2 years before that He had already altered my life completely…starting me on a journey…maybe life 2 years later would have been a bit easier had I spent more time remembering where I had once been.

anyway…back to 2 years ago…

I was not myself but I kept hearing the clear words: be here, be still and be ready to go. In the framework of my heart at that time I thought “great! There’ll be a new place, a new job, a new life.” 2 years later I realised that God just needed me to be in a place where I was being still, listening to His voice and knowing that ultimately He had this all under control.

In his book “The Screwtape Letters” CS Lewis’ eponymous character is talking to Wormwood, the minion, commenting on humanity and God’s relationship with it, “He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger, than when a human, no longer desiring, but intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”

I was there…I was done but I still wanted to obey.

Now, sitting in the airport, I realised that God has taken me from a place where I felt forsaken to a place where I feel so blessed and fortunate…

I think it all came down to this…

I kept worshipping. I kept praying, I had my moments of despair, frustration. I had moments of joy and of pain. Moments of sorrow washed over me like cement flowing from a mixer. I had moments where I had to cling to God or face complete uncertainty. I had moments where tears flowed down my cheeks out of sheer happiness.

In all those moments, I had rest and I could be still.

Psalm 37:7 says to “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.” Psalm 46:10 says “be still and know I am God” …and Psalm 27:14 commands “Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.”

There are many verses which ask, command, beckon the reader to take rest, and be still.

I have a long way to go in being still but I know the rewards it has brought thus far. I look forward to the journey…growing closer to Him as I learn to rest.

2 thoughts on “Finding myself in the stillness

  1. Michelle a Belle…such a wise woman….funny how our kindred hearts write similar things at times.. love you. thank you for sharing your heart and life with me. I am more blessed because of you.

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